Why I Never Get Invited Anywhere

I 'm quite surprised that I get invited to social gatherings and parties being that I have all the interpersonal skills of a rabid wolverine coupled with my ability to not only chew with my mouth open but to talk with it full of food rendering my speech a mix of Scooby-Doo meets Jock from the special needs class in High School who often wandered around campus petting small birds. Think of Sloth from The Goonies and subtract class and charm and thus you'd have me. So when an invitation arrived via mail I was not only filled with anxious glee but shock as well. I never get invited to anything, I was barely invited to my own wedding. I quickly tore open the envelope like a child tears open a wrapped Christmas present and when it was completely unsheathed from the prison the postal service forced it into I held it up to my face and quickly scanned the details yet I paused when I got to the time. The time said 8 till ????????? My blood began to slowly

roil with anger. Anger for the couple who invited me, the uninvitable. Fuck you I thought to myself. So you're so crazy you can't include an end time? As if the exclusion of an end time creates some big mystery or implies the party will be just like a west coast party cause there ain't not party like a west coast party cause a west coast party don't stop. Settle, people who invited me, you guys aren't Snoop Dogg.I've seen the house the party was being held at, it includes a sign on the door that reads " Praise The Lord…Welcome" and that always awful " Live Laugh Love" first things first I came here to judge you on the condition of your house and your child rearing skills if I wanted to praise God and feel judged I'd go to church and secondly before you start telling me how to live my life with that stupid "Live Laugh Love" sign why don't you offer me a drink, where the hell are your manners? Filled with anger and the whole

inner monologue you see above, I quickly called to RSVP. Upon the male host of the party answering the phone I quickly laid into him like Jimmy Page laid into the guitar solo from Stairway To Heaven. " Look asshole, I will fucking arrive at your party when I feel like it and leave whenever you throw me out….or when I piss in your kids bedroom and wear your wife's panties on my head…whatever comes first. See you then asshole. Oh and by the way, I'm not bringing a casserole." The very next day I received an email consisting of my official disinvite. Fuck them, who wants to go to my Nephew's Christening anyway