Questions I Don't Get

There are many things over the years that people have asked me. For instance my wife always asks “Is it in yet?” when we are having relations. My Father would ask me “How come you aren’t as successful as your brother? You have a degree and he doesn’t and you both work for the same company and he’s got a better job than you.” I often get asked “Hey do you want fries with that?” a lot due to my poor diet and I always get “When was the last time you showered?” due to my poor hygiene and hobo-esque clothing that I like to refer to as “Hipster” but in reality it's just moldy stuff I culled from a Salvation Army in a futile attempt to look cool.

However there are a great many things people have never said to me, either because of my height, my looks, or my lack of wisdom so I’ve decided to compile all of these unasked questions into a list. Enjoy.

“Hey can you grab that thing off the top shelf for me?”

“Hey we need another guy for our basketball team, want to play?”

“How do I know if he really loves me? I say a prayer with every heartbeat, I fall in love whenever we meet, I’m asking you because you know about these things.”

“Hey man you would make an excellent nude model. Want to come by my sculpting class and model that physique?”

“Can you teach me how to Dougie?”

“What’s it like to be the most talented writer/podcast host on the planet?”

“Does this look like herpes to you?”

“Hello…is it me you’re looking for?”

“Do you spend all of your time at the gym or did you get that body from working and consequently eating everything at a McDonald's frying station?”

“How are you making out with that rap career? You did say on the last day of high school that I should keep an ear out for your Platinum beats.”

“Want to see me naked?”

“Hey I have candy want to get in my white, windowless van?”

“Can I give you $20 for your used underwear? Don't wipe.”

“Did you like Ducky or Blane in Pretty In Pink?”

“I have two tickets to see Jesus Jones, want to come with!?”

“Hey, as your best male friend I can ask you this. Do these jeans show off my manaltoe?”

That's all I've got for now. Please leave a comment or post other questions you wouldn't ask me?