Butt Chugging!

Humans since the dawn of time have experimented with a myriad of substances to relax, elevate and expand their minds, commune with the dead or the heavens and in some cases shut out the voices in their heads that compel them to watch reruns of " Small Wonder" all and all, we humans really like to get fucked up.

These substances, be they alcohol, drugs or even in some cases food could be ingested, snorted, drank, injected or inhaled and up until recently these were the primary ways one could alter their mind and or mood.

Then from the Frat houses of colleges the country over came a new and inspired way to have fun with alcohol being that just drinking it was not enough have now kicked off the new trend dubbed " Butt Chugging"

If you are a stranger to anal danger such as I then you'll need to know that butt chugging consists of placing a tube in one's anus then having a friend ( since this idea comes from a fraternity, there's nothing homoerotic about this whatsoever ) pour a beer or liquor down said tube thus enabling the tubed person to get " Fucked up bro" at an accelerated rate which in turn makes the music of Dave Matthews seem as good as the joyful sounds that come from the lute of Apollo.

One can only surmise that two frat brothers, bored with just drinking beers in between date rapes, most likely turned to each other and said " You know what would make this more fun? If you got a tube, stuck it up my ass and poured a beer down it. Let's make this more complicated than it needs to be."

People now hold " BYOT" or " Bring your own tube" parties. Proctologists whom never got invited to parties due to their weird obsession and occupation, are now party stars for their ability to navigate a tube to the colon.

Yet due to coverage of this trend on " The View" suburban mothers are now worried about something they never even thought about until Elizabeth Hasselback took time out from eating black children to warn them of the perils of butt chugging. Now when teenagers come home late at night their parents greet them at the door saying " Bend over, let me smell your ass."

Until the ending of the world people will constantly look for new and exotic ways to get intoxicated. The marriage of ass and tube and booze is but another way we humans experiment with making life so much more enjoyable. My only hope is the tube trend moves away from the ass and moves somewhere more wholesome like the ear cause it's only one small oops from that tube being jammed into a dude's pee-hole.

My Problem With Hip Hop

As I get older it seems the more I no longer can relate to music. Take Hip Hop for instance. Growing up I loved hip hop just like every other white suburban teenager who thought he was gangster. Yet now I'm an adult mailman who takes a daily aspirin to help prevent a heart attack. Lil Wayne doesn't rap about health. He raps about sipping champagne and Bentley's…I on the other hand drink Pepsi and drive a mail truck.

I used to love The Notorious B.I.G. Biggie Smalls was my favorite rapper growing up. When I go back and listen to his songs I can't relate like I used to. When I was a younger wigger I would hang out on street corners drinking forties so it made sense to listen to music that emulated the lifestyle I was living: That of a privileged white kid who had the luxury of pretending to be gangster without any of the real consequences or side effects.

Perhaps I'm trying to relate to these songs and this music from my adult perspective. Maybe I've grown too old to appreciate it for what it is.However Biggie Smalls never rapped " I love it when you call me big Poppa/throw your mail in the air/If you's a bill payer..rappers don't buy stamps!

It has also become impossible for me to sing rap near my black friends. As a white man I'm never allowed to say the 'N' word. I can't abbreviate it or just say the letter it just sounds fucking stupid. For instance I will use a sample that uses the 'N' word rather frequently, "Craziest" by Naughty By Nature:

"Jersey N-words are the craziest/Miami N-Words are the craziest/Seattle N-Words are the craziest

It just doesn't "flow" so I tried using "Pollock" being offending the Poles bothers no one, so here that goes : Jersey Pollocks are the craziest/Miami Pollocks are the craziest/Seattle Pollocks are the craziest

I can see a conversation between to two thugs now "You don't want to fuck with those Philly Pollocks Raheem."

"Why not son?
"I heard they the CRAZIEST!!!"
"oh yeah who told you that?"
"Trech"
"Word?"
"Word!"

The above will never happen cause it sounds ridiculous. I can't find any way around it. I can't relate to rappers and their lifestyle, I can't emulate their bling nor their big booty'd ho's nor can I even sing the very songs I like cause I'm not allowed to use the 'N' word. I guess it is time I get a Maroon 5 CD. I know I can relate to them, they're white.

Nick

Why I Never Get Invited Anywhere

I 'm quite surprised that I get invited to social gatherings and parties being that I have all the interpersonal skills of a rabid wolverine coupled with my ability to not only chew with my mouth open but to talk with it full of food rendering my speech a mix of Scooby-Doo meets Jock from the special needs class in High School who often wandered around campus petting small birds. Think of Sloth from The Goonies and subtract class and charm and thus you'd have me. So when an invitation arrived via mail I was not only filled with anxious glee but shock as well. I never get invited to anything, I was barely invited to my own wedding. I quickly tore open the envelope like a child tears open a wrapped Christmas present and when it was completely unsheathed from the prison the postal service forced it into I held it up to my face and quickly scanned the details yet I paused when I got to the time. The time said 8 till ????????? My blood began to slowly

roil with anger. Anger for the couple who invited me, the uninvitable. Fuck you I thought to myself. So you're so crazy you can't include an end time? As if the exclusion of an end time creates some big mystery or implies the party will be just like a west coast party cause there ain't not party like a west coast party cause a west coast party don't stop. Settle, people who invited me, you guys aren't Snoop Dogg.I've seen the house the party was being held at, it includes a sign on the door that reads " Praise The Lord…Welcome" and that always awful " Live Laugh Love" first things first I came here to judge you on the condition of your house and your child rearing skills if I wanted to praise God and feel judged I'd go to church and secondly before you start telling me how to live my life with that stupid "Live Laugh Love" sign why don't you offer me a drink, where the hell are your manners? Filled with anger and the whole

inner monologue you see above, I quickly called to RSVP. Upon the male host of the party answering the phone I quickly laid into him like Jimmy Page laid into the guitar solo from Stairway To Heaven. " Look asshole, I will fucking arrive at your party when I feel like it and leave whenever you throw me out….or when I piss in your kids bedroom and wear your wife's panties on my head…whatever comes first. See you then asshole. Oh and by the way, I'm not bringing a casserole." The very next day I received an email consisting of my official disinvite. Fuck them, who wants to go to my Nephew's Christening anyway