Diet

A few months ago I realized that I was slowly becoming a fat shit and with my impending nuptials right around the corner I finally got motivated to lose some weight so as to not ruin any wedding photos. I ended up losing twenty pounds to be exact and it was tough but the whole endeavor raised some interesting questions and changed my life in numerous ways.


For instance how come losing weight is the only time it's good to lose? For instance you lose twenty pounds everyone is happy for you. Lose your nephew at the mall then suddenly I'm the bad guy…he's fine we found him a day later, think of the great story he'll have. Now would be a great time to give a shout out to the King Of Prussia Mall Security. Thanks guys. Losing weight great. Losing children to strange guys in white windowless vans…not good.


The diet also changed my life. I would often find myself up late, alone and naked in front of my computer clicking through Olive Garden's website looking at the menu and the pictures of all the unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks and of course the chicken parm while rubbing my chest and moaning " Look at all that cheese! Go ahead chicken parm put that sauce on don't be shy!"


Then when my wife would enter the room I'd quickly click out of the website like a teenager who just discovered the wonders of the internet and the shame that goes along with that discovery and when she'd ask me " Hi honey, whatca looking at?"


" Oh nothing. Just some porn."


As I would wait for her to exit the room and while two women were making out furiously on the screen the whole time I would be looking at the taskbar for Olive Garden's website and screaming in my head " JESUS CHRIST LADY WOULD YOU LEAVE THE ROOM!!! THE FETTUCINE ALFREDO IS UP NEXT!!!"


Nick

Volunteer Firemen Scare Me

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy never has it been made more certain of how important Police, Firemen and Paramedics are during a disaster. Without these brave "First Responders" and their offshoot the "Second Responders" you know, the guys who stopped off for coffee before joining in the rescue of that lady from her burning attic, surviving a disaster would be damn near impossible and we should thank and appreciate these men and women whenever we get the chance.


That being said I must admit I'm fucking afraid of Volunteer Firemen.


Deathly afraid. Well not of all of them. Even the sane and decent men and women who willingly hang around a firehouse FOR FREE to put their life at risk to save yours clearly have something slightly off but are decent folks who care about their communities. No I'm talking about that subset of individuals who harbor a near Taliban like fanaticism for fire that sometimes causes them to set fires themselves just so they can put them out. Those people frighten me.


I fondly recall a time as a child when my friends and I would be out riding bikes and a fire truck would scream past us and we would peddle our little hearts out to follow it in the hopes of witnessing some smoke and fire but I grew up, found Nintendo and vagina and no longer cared about witnessing the worst day of someone's life.


Some of these men and women….not so much. They get off on your misery. They actually want your house to be on fire and that's why I'm deathly afraid of Volunteer Firemen.


P.S. If my house is on fire and you save me, then I will totally take the aforementioned back.

Insert Foot In Mouth

One would think that a man who has a foot fetish that I would just love my own foot in my mouth however that is not the case. After years and years of having zero mental editor I've developed either an aversion to the taste of my own foot, as I keep having to insert it in my mouth on almost a weekly occasion.


The last time I actually tasted my own foot was Friday when my boss Dan approached me with terrible news.


"Nick did you hear? Stu had a stroke!"


So I replied "Well is he ok? Like can he still walk?"


Then my boss Dan looked at me like I had taken his mother out to Outback and a movie and never called her again. He then looked at me and said, "C'mon Nick, Stu!" With emphasis on the name as if I wasn't quite grasping the whole of the situation.


"What? C'mon some strokes aren't that severe, lots of people suffer minor strokes and can walk again." I replied to him with a certain defiance usually reserved for the mothers of criminals who are interviewed by the local news after their son just killed ten people, totally unwilling to believe their son is a monster despite evidence to the contrary.


Then after a few moments when it all sank in, I looked at my boss Dan and his total lack of confusion at my lack of understanding when it hit me: Of course Stu can't walk after his stroke cause he couldn't walk to begin with cause he's been in a fucking wheelchair for decades. Insert foot in mouth.