Diet

A few months ago I realized that I was slowly becoming a fat shit and with my impending nuptials right around the corner I finally got motivated to lose some weight so as to not ruin any wedding photos. I ended up losing twenty pounds to be exact and it was tough but the whole endeavor raised some interesting questions and changed my life in numerous ways.


For instance how come losing weight is the only time it's good to lose? For instance you lose twenty pounds everyone is happy for you. Lose your nephew at the mall then suddenly I'm the bad guy…he's fine we found him a day later, think of the great story he'll have. Now would be a great time to give a shout out to the King Of Prussia Mall Security. Thanks guys. Losing weight great. Losing children to strange guys in white windowless vans…not good.


The diet also changed my life. I would often find myself up late, alone and naked in front of my computer clicking through Olive Garden's website looking at the menu and the pictures of all the unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks and of course the chicken parm while rubbing my chest and moaning " Look at all that cheese! Go ahead chicken parm put that sauce on don't be shy!"


Then when my wife would enter the room I'd quickly click out of the website like a teenager who just discovered the wonders of the internet and the shame that goes along with that discovery and when she'd ask me " Hi honey, whatca looking at?"


" Oh nothing. Just some porn."


As I would wait for her to exit the room and while two women were making out furiously on the screen the whole time I would be looking at the taskbar for Olive Garden's website and screaming in my head " JESUS CHRIST LADY WOULD YOU LEAVE THE ROOM!!! THE FETTUCINE ALFREDO IS UP NEXT!!!"


Nick