I don't ask for much in my life. Actually I never ask for anything at all but this Christmas is different. This year there's a whole slew of things I'd like for Christmas so Santa I hope you're paying attention
-Optimus Prime cause inside I'm still an eight year old who likes toys
-That butt plug I asked for last year. I got coal instead. Coal hurts when you stick it in your ass Santa.
-World Peace…..nah who am I kidding. I hope the Jews slaughter the Palestinians so CNN gets a little more exciting. Less Wolf Blizter, more war
-Cmuff to get some pussy
-For Joe Mayo to hug me
-A three way consisting of myself, Jim Jeffries and that weird cashier at Wal-Mart who's one eye wanders to the left when you ask him questions about the discount on panty liners
-For Allen Iverson not to be poor
-A fridge that is filled with only fried chicken and Mad Elf
-Tap dancing lessons
-For Michael Jackson to rise from the dead and reclaim his throne as the King Of Pop
-Sweatpants. Keeping it Delco son
-Two turtle doves
-Teeth for all Delconians
-Two Chainz to sing a duet with David Bowie. Perhaps Little Drummer Boy
-For the band One Direction to die in a horrible stage accident
- Nude photos of my wife eating a hamburger
-A date with Tad Hamilton
-For every comedian I know and think is funny to make money and become famous
-To get five minutes of stage time as a stripper at Magic City
-For those who made the movie Magic Mike to admit they based that off my life
-The opportunity to dry hump Regis Philbin for three seconds
-For the band Midnight Oil to reunite and play my local concert hall
-To finally achieve my dream of becoming a member of the Sixers Dance Team
Look Santa. Failure to provide me with any of the above will result in me traveling to the North Pole, raping all of your Elves and after I'll take a giant dump on your carpet then blame it on the reindeer ok?
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