In the wake of Hurricane Sandy never has it been made more certain of how important Police, Firemen and Paramedics are during a disaster. Without these brave "First Responders" and their offshoot the "Second Responders" you know, the guys who stopped off for coffee before joining in the rescue of that lady from her burning attic, surviving a disaster would be damn near impossible and we should thank and appreciate these men and women whenever we get the chance.
That being said I must admit I'm fucking afraid of Volunteer Firemen.
Deathly afraid. Well not of all of them. Even the sane and decent men and women who willingly hang around a firehouse FOR FREE to put their life at risk to save yours clearly have something slightly off but are decent folks who care about their communities. No I'm talking about that subset of individuals who harbor a near Taliban like fanaticism for fire that sometimes causes them to set fires themselves just so they can put them out. Those people frighten me.
I fondly recall a time as a child when my friends and I would be out riding bikes and a fire truck would scream past us and we would peddle our little hearts out to follow it in the hopes of witnessing some smoke and fire but I grew up, found Nintendo and vagina and no longer cared about witnessing the worst day of someone's life.
Some of these men and women….not so much. They get off on your misery. They actually want your house to be on fire and that's why I'm deathly afraid of Volunteer Firemen.
P.S. If my house is on fire and you save me, then I will totally take the aforementioned back.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Insert Foot In Mouth
One would think that a man who has a foot fetish that I would just love my own foot in my mouth however that is not the case. After years and years of having zero mental editor I've developed either an aversion to the taste of my own foot, as I keep having to insert it in my mouth on almost a weekly occasion.
The last time I actually tasted my own foot was Friday when my boss Dan approached me with terrible news.
"Nick did you hear? Stu had a stroke!"
So I replied "Well is he ok? Like can he still walk?"
Then my boss Dan looked at me like I had taken his mother out to Outback and a movie and never called her again. He then looked at me and said, "C'mon Nick, Stu!" With emphasis on the name as if I wasn't quite grasping the whole of the situation.
"What? C'mon some strokes aren't that severe, lots of people suffer minor strokes and can walk again." I replied to him with a certain defiance usually reserved for the mothers of criminals who are interviewed by the local news after their son just killed ten people, totally unwilling to believe their son is a monster despite evidence to the contrary.
Then after a few moments when it all sank in, I looked at my boss Dan and his total lack of confusion at my lack of understanding when it hit me: Of course Stu can't walk after his stroke cause he couldn't walk to begin with cause he's been in a fucking wheelchair for decades. Insert foot in mouth.
The last time I actually tasted my own foot was Friday when my boss Dan approached me with terrible news.
"Nick did you hear? Stu had a stroke!"
So I replied "Well is he ok? Like can he still walk?"
Then my boss Dan looked at me like I had taken his mother out to Outback and a movie and never called her again. He then looked at me and said, "C'mon Nick, Stu!" With emphasis on the name as if I wasn't quite grasping the whole of the situation.
"What? C'mon some strokes aren't that severe, lots of people suffer minor strokes and can walk again." I replied to him with a certain defiance usually reserved for the mothers of criminals who are interviewed by the local news after their son just killed ten people, totally unwilling to believe their son is a monster despite evidence to the contrary.
Then after a few moments when it all sank in, I looked at my boss Dan and his total lack of confusion at my lack of understanding when it hit me: Of course Stu can't walk after his stroke cause he couldn't walk to begin with cause he's been in a fucking wheelchair for decades. Insert foot in mouth.
Monday, October 22, 2012
What It Means To Be From Delco
Delaware County Pennsylvania. The often maligned county that sits to the west of Philadelphia. The home of excessive pride in one's county that will rival the pride certain European nation-states feel right before they go to war and start slaughtering each other. A better example might be how the people of Palestine have such a love for a land that is an absolute shithole.
What does being from Delaware County mean? What does it entail? What cultural identifiers exist that would aid in recognizing a citizen of Delco?
As someone who for four years studied Delcology at Delaware County Community College, I have put together a list that will not only help anthropologists years from now discover the true meaning of Delaware County but aid in those born here in recognizing and thus taking pride in how Delco they truly are.
-Grow up in Collingdale, Folcroft, or Upper Darby then move to West Chester and try to fit in
-Have at least one Protection From Abuse or PFA for short, against you
-Hold an undying belief that the Bazaar of All Nations was the greatest place to shop in spite of the evidence that suggests it was a total shitpit
-Get arrested at an Eagles game
-Grow up in Ridley, never leave Ridley. Cut your finger, bleed Raider Green
-Understand that the corridor of Route 1 between Drexel Hill and Springfield is the worst stretch of road in the entire US. The highway to hell in Baghdad from the Gulf War I wasn't as perilious.
-Know a bartender at any of the following bars ( Casey's Barnaby's, Dirty Nelly's) who can totally hook you up
-Date and marry someone from your hometown whom ten of your friends already slept with
-Know at least ten people who have died from prescription drug overdose
-Own or have owned in the past a suped up Dodge Neon
- Willingness to fight over the slightest insult, real or perceived, at the drop of a hat
-blame the decay of your neighborhood on black people while totally ignoring the myriad factors that contribute to neighborhood decline
-Be Catholic
-When you head into Philly, you ignore all the cultural offerings and head straight to Old City…cause it's girls night out….go out with your bitches…punch any man who refers to your friends as bitches…have the irony lost on you.
-Start a cover band or follow a cover band to the point of religious fanaticism. Call them talented or consider yourself an artist.
-The Delco Tour of Duty: Four years at DCCC
- Play in a bar league sport like Softball or Lacrosse, take it or have taken it as seriously as conspiracy theorists combed over the Zapruder film all the while trying to relive those glory days at Bonner
-Not know what the Zapruder film is, look it up.
-Pass out or have passed out at a Dave Matthews concert.
-Live in Drexel Hill. Talk shit about Upper Darby. Be clueless to know that Drexel Hill is only a postal designation and not a town and that you live in Upper Darby.
-Hold an intense jealousy for people who live in Radnor.
-Vacation in Sea Isle every year. Convince yourself it is just like Avalon. Cross over Townsend Inlet Bridge, be sorely disappointed.
-Hold an intense rage for anyone who isn't connected to someone else via the Delco Catholic School System or Slut Express. Look down upon anyone who isn't from Delco.
-Go to nice parties in Montgomery County, tell the host you are from Upper Darby, watch the host brace for a hit or clutch their purse or slowly slink away from the conversation so they can lock up their valuables
-Believe Media to be the next Wayne or Narberth.
-Possess the ability to name six pizza places within a five mile radius of your home
-Cheer when they open a new Target a mile down the road from another Target
-Wear pajamas out in public, curse regardless of venue or company
-Delco Axiom: Wawa is the greatest store ever created.
I hope the above listed can help future generations identify the culture that is Delco but instill a sense of self and pride in current and future residents so that they may go forth and wreak havoc on the land.
Nicholas Kupsey –Associate Degree In Delcology DCCC 01
What does being from Delaware County mean? What does it entail? What cultural identifiers exist that would aid in recognizing a citizen of Delco?
As someone who for four years studied Delcology at Delaware County Community College, I have put together a list that will not only help anthropologists years from now discover the true meaning of Delaware County but aid in those born here in recognizing and thus taking pride in how Delco they truly are.
-Grow up in Collingdale, Folcroft, or Upper Darby then move to West Chester and try to fit in
-Have at least one Protection From Abuse or PFA for short, against you
-Hold an undying belief that the Bazaar of All Nations was the greatest place to shop in spite of the evidence that suggests it was a total shitpit
-Get arrested at an Eagles game
-Grow up in Ridley, never leave Ridley. Cut your finger, bleed Raider Green
-Understand that the corridor of Route 1 between Drexel Hill and Springfield is the worst stretch of road in the entire US. The highway to hell in Baghdad from the Gulf War I wasn't as perilious.
-Know a bartender at any of the following bars ( Casey's Barnaby's, Dirty Nelly's) who can totally hook you up
-Date and marry someone from your hometown whom ten of your friends already slept with
-Know at least ten people who have died from prescription drug overdose
-Own or have owned in the past a suped up Dodge Neon
- Willingness to fight over the slightest insult, real or perceived, at the drop of a hat
-blame the decay of your neighborhood on black people while totally ignoring the myriad factors that contribute to neighborhood decline
-Be Catholic
-When you head into Philly, you ignore all the cultural offerings and head straight to Old City…cause it's girls night out….go out with your bitches…punch any man who refers to your friends as bitches…have the irony lost on you.
-Start a cover band or follow a cover band to the point of religious fanaticism. Call them talented or consider yourself an artist.
-The Delco Tour of Duty: Four years at DCCC
- Play in a bar league sport like Softball or Lacrosse, take it or have taken it as seriously as conspiracy theorists combed over the Zapruder film all the while trying to relive those glory days at Bonner
-Not know what the Zapruder film is, look it up.
-Pass out or have passed out at a Dave Matthews concert.
-Live in Drexel Hill. Talk shit about Upper Darby. Be clueless to know that Drexel Hill is only a postal designation and not a town and that you live in Upper Darby.
-Hold an intense jealousy for people who live in Radnor.
-Vacation in Sea Isle every year. Convince yourself it is just like Avalon. Cross over Townsend Inlet Bridge, be sorely disappointed.
-Hold an intense rage for anyone who isn't connected to someone else via the Delco Catholic School System or Slut Express. Look down upon anyone who isn't from Delco.
-Go to nice parties in Montgomery County, tell the host you are from Upper Darby, watch the host brace for a hit or clutch their purse or slowly slink away from the conversation so they can lock up their valuables
-Believe Media to be the next Wayne or Narberth.
-Possess the ability to name six pizza places within a five mile radius of your home
-Cheer when they open a new Target a mile down the road from another Target
-Wear pajamas out in public, curse regardless of venue or company
-Delco Axiom: Wawa is the greatest store ever created.
I hope the above listed can help future generations identify the culture that is Delco but instill a sense of self and pride in current and future residents so that they may go forth and wreak havoc on the land.
Nicholas Kupsey –Associate Degree In Delcology DCCC 01
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)