Holy War

So I inadvertently started a holy war with the Jehovah's witnesses in the neighborhood I deliver mail to. You would think we would get along right, both of us going door to door... we have so much in common..we both give people shit they don't want So every saturday the hova's descend upon the neighborhood like white people descend upon an LL bean during a sale...pouring out of their so called " Kingdog Hall" which in fact looks less like a kingdom and more like a converted rent a center...let's face it if God had a kingdom on earth it would be the magic kingdom at Disney full of fireworks and shit.... So I spent the better part of my morning ducking and dodging old black women dressed in their finest outfits as they blocked every single mailbox like a piece of cholesterol blocks a fat guys arteries thereby making my job ten times fucking harder..... so by about lunch time I pretty much hated Jesus more than George Bush hated black people So at lunch I'm parked in the Wawa lot and I had my window cracked and out of the rear view mirror I see the same three black women approaching my van. I've got a mouth full of funyuns and nowhere to run, I'm trapped. I hear a slight tap on the window from the cane  of the short black woman who looked like gollum with a green hat and she attempted to slide a pamphlet into the crack in the window exactly like how I slot a letter through a mailslot and proceeded to ask " Do you read the bible?" I replied with a mouth full of funyuns " No sorry..I don't read fiction." Her face looked like a I just punched her in the vagina...the three of them backed away in horror and I felt like I achieved some sort of victory for people who hate being harassed. So an hour later I'm walking down a street and I see them coming up the opposite direction, so many of them they resemble the gangs from the video 'beat it' and as our paths crossed they began to hurl insults at me from across the street " You are a sinner!" " You are going to hell!!" Then finally the little old gollum with the cane from earlier raised that cane again, pointed it in my direction and said " You live in a den of inequity." To which I replied " How the hell did you know my den was furnished by Ikea?" So I went home that night and was still fuming over my little war with these non birthday celebrating assholes...that should tell you everything, they don't celebrate birthdays, fuck you.... birthdays rock So the next morning I'm having coffee wtih my future wife when I get an idea. I shoot up the stairs, hop in the shower, do my hair and put on my best suit. I strode by my bride to be looking fine as fuck for the the first time in a decade and she asked " where the hell are you going?" I grabbed a piece of paper,a pen and a red marker and and I told her " I'm going to spread the word." So I took the piece of paper, wrote " Church of Satan" on it and below it I drew and colored a devil but it came out more looking like a red cow...my drawing is so bad it looks like your retarded eight year old cousin broke into the crayola box " I drew picture" So I hopped in my gigantic 20inch tires lifted jeep,  you know the one that screams " I have a small penis" and " my mom never loved me" it was both in case you were wondering, and I'm looking good in my suit, so good gay men are pulling up to me at lights and saying " Hey Girlfriend" and I'm all like " Heyyyy" back cause I'm a silly bitch and I pulled up a few blocks away from the church. I walked down, and pounded on the door...and this Black herman munster looking dude opened the door and asked " How can I help you?" I replied " I was wondering if you'd like to join the church of satan.." and with that he said " You motherfucker" (they don't celebrate birthdays but apparently it is ok to curse?) and began to chase me. So I looked back, crumbled up the pamphlet and threw it at him and said " We are accepting new members." I could feel him gaining on me so I looked back, and where there was one now there were like eight, and one of them looked awfully familiar but I can't stop and ask, it's not the time, or I'll get holy rolled, so I start to feel like Han solo being chased through te death star by storm troopers.  There was also a white guy in the mix, which almost made me pause mid-chase, turn around and ask " How much drugs and prison time did you do to fuck your life up bad enough to want to join that church." But like I said, time was of the essence however the question still haunts me. Cause let's face it, not too many Hova's are white. So I ended up at  an instersection, a car almost hits me but I slid over that shit like Bo Duke over the hood of the General Lee and the Hova's stopped and I screamed " Hey guys, what would Jesus do? I know, nothing cause he's a fake. Tell J-hova I said hi and I hope he and Beyonce are ok" I turned around and beat feet back to the millenum falcon... Feeling self satisfied, I walked into work on monday morning and I was greeted by a black co worker named Joe. He approached me and said " Hey Nick how was your Sunday?" " Fantastic" I replied " You get a good run in?" Curious, I retorted " As a matter of fact yes I did." And I as said that, he pulled out from his back pocket my crumpled up psychotic pamphlet, handed it to me and said " There's something wrong with you, and I will pray for you." I smiled with a shit eating grin and replied " So you're gonna join the church of satan?"