Questions I Don't Get

There are many things over the years that people have asked me. For instance my wife always asks “Is it in yet?” when we are having relations. My Father would ask me “How come you aren’t as successful as your brother? You have a degree and he doesn’t and you both work for the same company and he’s got a better job than you.” I often get asked “Hey do you want fries with that?” a lot due to my poor diet and I always get “When was the last time you showered?” due to my poor hygiene and hobo-esque clothing that I like to refer to as “Hipster” but in reality it's just moldy stuff I culled from a Salvation Army in a futile attempt to look cool.

However there are a great many things people have never said to me, either because of my height, my looks, or my lack of wisdom so I’ve decided to compile all of these unasked questions into a list. Enjoy.

“Hey can you grab that thing off the top shelf for me?”

“Hey we need another guy for our basketball team, want to play?”

“How do I know if he really loves me? I say a prayer with every heartbeat, I fall in love whenever we meet, I’m asking you because you know about these things.”

“Hey man you would make an excellent nude model. Want to come by my sculpting class and model that physique?”

“Can you teach me how to Dougie?”

“What’s it like to be the most talented writer/podcast host on the planet?”

“Does this look like herpes to you?”

“Hello…is it me you’re looking for?”

“Do you spend all of your time at the gym or did you get that body from working and consequently eating everything at a McDonald's frying station?”

“How are you making out with that rap career? You did say on the last day of high school that I should keep an ear out for your Platinum beats.”

“Want to see me naked?”

“Hey I have candy want to get in my white, windowless van?”

“Can I give you $20 for your used underwear? Don't wipe.”

“Did you like Ducky or Blane in Pretty In Pink?”

“I have two tickets to see Jesus Jones, want to come with!?”

“Hey, as your best male friend I can ask you this. Do these jeans show off my manaltoe?”

That's all I've got for now. Please leave a comment or post other questions you wouldn't ask me?

What if all the African Americans left us?

During the eighties a popular racist phrase entered our vernacular via the Spike Lee film “Do The Right Thing” that phrase urged African Americans to “Go the fuck back to Africa.” Hardly was this a new concept for Italian men the country over had been uttering this sentiment for decades blindly ignorant of the fact that they too were once a hated minority within this country and were once wished to return to their homeland filled of Fila track suits, Italian horns and the ancestors of the cast of The Jersey Shore.

Upon being lucky enough to catch this film on cable the other day I pondered the question: What would happen if we woke up one day and the whole of the African American population just up and left. Gone, left, peaced out. What would this country be like? Well I’ve compiled a brief list of how things would drastically change

-Being devoid of Jay-Z and Flo-Rida we would be left with the musical rap-rock stylings of Fred Durst who would implore us to “do it all for the nookie” one last time. We would follow suit.

-Republicans now being devoid of a minority to lay the blame on, would finally have to accept the fact that white people are the single biggest recipients of welfare in this country. Heads would explode all throughout the land as this news disseminated via Fox News.

-BET would now be WET for White Entertainment Television or how we’ve always known it: NBC

-The countries of Africa would dominate the Olympics leaving the United States only good at Tennis and Badminton.

-With not enough talented receivers to catch passes from white quarterbacks the NFL would fold in seconds after returning to the boring running game of its roots.

-Welcome to America’s favorite sport: Hockey!!!!!!!

-The NBA would be populated by older Jewish men who shoot underhanded free throws and complain that the venues are often “Too drafty, and the nachos rather expensive” Ratings go up ten-fold as only rich Jewish men would watch to see their cousin Saul miss a jump shot.

-The following restaurants would close due to lack of clientele : Red Lobster, Olive Garden  and Golden Corral.

-Kenny G, Michael Bolton and Sting would be huge winners at the Grammy Awards and would top the charts with their super-group song “White Guy Strut” starting off a dance craze the nation over.

-Without the crappy shows of Tyler Perry TBS would go under in seconds as would the WB as programs such as “Stable White Family” and “Look At All Our Money and Food” really aren’t appealing to affluent and well fed white people.

-Now that black people are gone, affluent white children would adopt the music and culture of Mexican immigrants like driving low rider cars, wearing khakis and wife beaters, picking fruit and listening to Mariachi music this coining the phrase “Miggers” Yolo, it ain’t just for breakfast anymore.

-Without a target audience, Joey Greco would no longer tape the show “Cheaters” and would turn his direction into shaving his mustache in a less creepy way.

-Baseball would remain largely the same. Boring and with a ton of white people

-Dancing would consist of the variety once viewed in the movie “Footloose” but with less Kevin Bacon and more your drunk uncoordinated Uncle Ted who was a mouth kisser.

-House of Pain would become the pre-eminent hip hop group. Vanilla Ice would be considered the Led Zepplin of rap and Jesus would hate us all for this

-Without Jehova’s knocking on their door every Saturday people would finally be free to leave their doors open on a Saturday morning for the first time in decades.

-Due to those doors being open, robberies from Meth heads would skyrocket by 100%

-Places like Alabama and the deep South will still be shitholes, just less interesting ones.

-Without Black Opposition, The White House and Congress will enact laws encouraging white people to cook soul food, take stand up comedy lessons, break dance at random times, dice games in alleys, perform poetry, act, and try to learn the blues since the mass exodus of African Americans would render this country boring, one dimensional and devoid of any real culture and diversity.