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My Christmas Wish List

I don't ask for much in my life. Actually I never ask for anything at all but this Christmas is different. This year there's a whole slew of things I'd like for Christmas so Santa I hope you're paying attention


-Optimus Prime cause inside I'm still an eight year old who likes toys


-That butt plug I asked for last year. I got coal instead. Coal hurts when you stick it in your ass Santa.


-World Peace…..nah who am I kidding. I hope the Jews slaughter the Palestinians so CNN gets a little more exciting. Less Wolf Blizter, more war


-Cmuff to get some pussy


-For Joe Mayo to hug me


-A three way consisting of myself, Jim Jeffries and that weird cashier at Wal-Mart who's one eye wanders to the left when you ask him questions about the discount on panty liners


-For Allen Iverson not to be poor


-A fridge that is filled with only fried chicken and Mad Elf


-Tap dancing lessons


-For Michael Jackson to rise from the dead and reclaim his throne as the King Of Pop


-Sweatpants. Keeping it Delco son


-Two turtle doves


-Teeth for all Delconians


-Two Chainz to sing a duet with David Bowie. Perhaps Little Drummer Boy


-For the band One Direction to die in a horrible stage accident


- Nude photos of my wife eating a hamburger


-A date with Tad Hamilton


-For every comedian I know and think is funny to make money and become famous


-To get five minutes of stage time as a stripper at Magic City


-For those who made the movie Magic Mike to admit they based that off my life


-The opportunity to dry hump Regis Philbin for three seconds


-For the band Midnight Oil to reunite and play my local concert hall


-To finally achieve my dream of becoming a member of the Sixers Dance Team


Look Santa. Failure to provide me with any of the above will result in me traveling to the North Pole, raping all of your Elves and after I'll take a giant dump on your carpet then blame it on the reindeer ok?

Diet

A few months ago I realized that I was slowly becoming a fat shit and with my impending nuptials right around the corner I finally got motivated to lose some weight so as to not ruin any wedding photos. I ended up losing twenty pounds to be exact and it was tough but the whole endeavor raised some interesting questions and changed my life in numerous ways.


For instance how come losing weight is the only time it's good to lose? For instance you lose twenty pounds everyone is happy for you. Lose your nephew at the mall then suddenly I'm the bad guy…he's fine we found him a day later, think of the great story he'll have. Now would be a great time to give a shout out to the King Of Prussia Mall Security. Thanks guys. Losing weight great. Losing children to strange guys in white windowless vans…not good.


The diet also changed my life. I would often find myself up late, alone and naked in front of my computer clicking through Olive Garden's website looking at the menu and the pictures of all the unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks and of course the chicken parm while rubbing my chest and moaning " Look at all that cheese! Go ahead chicken parm put that sauce on don't be shy!"


Then when my wife would enter the room I'd quickly click out of the website like a teenager who just discovered the wonders of the internet and the shame that goes along with that discovery and when she'd ask me " Hi honey, whatca looking at?"


" Oh nothing. Just some porn."


As I would wait for her to exit the room and while two women were making out furiously on the screen the whole time I would be looking at the taskbar for Olive Garden's website and screaming in my head " JESUS CHRIST LADY WOULD YOU LEAVE THE ROOM!!! THE FETTUCINE ALFREDO IS UP NEXT!!!"


Nick